Hi folks and welcome to my fantastic webshite full of my music vid's and handy hints, they are taken from my life as an intergalactic mega star, please note: the following hints and jokes may sometimes use words and statements that some readers may find obscene or offensive, if you feel that you may be upset by words of this nature may I advise you to FUCK OFF right now and maybe try: Take me somewhere nice

Hey let me tell you bout last weekend, Polly Pam sez she wants to go to a fuckin garden centre on the Sunday, what the fuck for I sez they are just full of plants that you cant even smoke, anyway turns out she wants to buy a fuckin Koi carp, anyway she gets one while I had a pint over the road, when we meet up again she asks me to take it home while she goes to Tesco to get some stuff.

When I got home I thought I'd suprise here and have the fish ready for when she gets back so I whacked the fucker on the head, gutted it and popped it on the Barbie, fuck me she blew a cork when she returned and said, "it wasnt fer eating you prick.. I just paid £80 quid for that" I said "Fuck me, £80 for a spunkin big fish, you must be daft woman I could have got fish,chips n mushy peas 30 times for that!! women, I will never understand em folks!!!

Don't be fucking Coy with me

 

31st Jan 2011, Due to popular demand more shite on this site, just scrote to the bottom of page folks!! REgards Mick

As we all know the primary concern of most folk is to have our society/streets free from crime so we can all go about our business without the fear of being robbed or ripped off, it is therefore my proposal to round up and rid our country of the low life scum, robbers and human vermin in one fucking big swoop so we can begin to build our country back up on clean foundations, a tall order? not for a fucking genius like me, this is how we can do it:

We can get all our army and police together for one massive operation, it would be one of the biggest raids ever planned, it would probably be done on a Wednesday as this is when most of the crooks, thieves and scumbags are all in Prime Ministers question time, we can get the army and police to simply surround the house of commons so none of em can escape, we can then rush in and arrest them all for high treason, once they are rounded up we can ship em all off to some Island where they can't do any more damage or sell any more of our fab country, we could send people from time to time to show em how to mine, farm, and learn to do proper things so they can all get real! how cool is that?

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Wow all yer mates when you sport this fantastic T Shirt out on the town, not only will you look cool you will be promoting me, Polly and my fab webshite all at the same time! yeppers all this and you only have to pay me £9.99, make cheque payable to: Mike Hunt, just leave the amount blank then if I decide to put the price down you won't loose out, remember to state your size (Small,Medium, Large or Fat Bastard, also your preferred co lour: (Black, Dark Black, Light Black) please add £5 extra to amount if you require two tone black gradient.

Young peeps should be grateful to us older folk for saving you from the perils of drugs, (we took so many when we were young there wasn't any left for you!!

Anyway here's some good retorts

#1. When someone says:Wow its a small world isn't it? you say: "is it?, well you wouldn't like to paint the fucker would you?".

#2. When sporting your fave sunglasses in the pub and the barmaid sez, "what yah got them sunglasses on for it aint even sunny OUTSIDE say, "its sunny in my fucking head you twat".

#4. When you order the beer and forget to say please and the barmaid says, "scuse ME what's the magic word?" you say: "NOW BITCH"

:Give A Damn

Shakespeare studies and translations by Mick Hunt

I really must cover a serious subject just this once, it is something I have been meaning to have a go at for a while now so here goes, Shakespeare and my views on his works: well the first thing what springs to mind is, he was crap, his grammar an spelling was awful, I mean imagine going home to the wife an saying: Hello darling, what seeist thou for mine tea, in the cold backward abysm of thine fridge, does thou fancieth an ale?, Oh I must sitteth mineself down, for my bones are filled with aches? She would think you'd slipped a fucking cog mate, or how about going to fill up with gas and saying: could'st thou fill mine tank with thy most finest unleadedeth petroliuth, you'd get a smack round the ear where I come from, taketh this Whop!, by the way if you doubt what I say take ANY of Shakey's tales and put em in yer spellchecker, I have tried this and burnt my CPU out, still it was worth it cos when I eventually corrected all his bad spelling at least I could understand what the fuck he was on about. (I resteth my case)

.Gypsy

Feeling a bit peckish? then try this: Mike Hunt's Vampire Steak

This is a fantastic recipe Made up all on my own without any help from Gordon 'fucking' Ramsey, you will need:

1 large steak: I cup of water (holy): Loads of garlic: 2 skewers, 1 tenderizing mallet, Method: ** *

Hide in the kitchen, about 12 o clock (full moons best and make sure the lights are off), Wait till a vampire comes then leap out brandishing the steak, (don't forget to put the garlic round your neck), then chuck the cup of holy water on the bad vampire, shout "begone" or something similar, drive the steak thru its heart using the mallet, and then hold the two skewers in the shape of a cross, and say "may the Lord have mercy on your soul, at this point the vampire should burst into flames, quickly put the vampire out when it reaches desired cooking time, hey presto vampire steaks all round DONE, This recipe is ideal for students and people on a low budget as it doesn't cost a penny, how cool is that? do you have a recipe to add. mail it to me and I will add it. Regards, Mike

When your girlyfriend sez, "sorry I'm in a bad mood Hun it's just that I'm on my menstrual cycle", Say: well go fuckin cycle off on it an leave me alone!!!

Danger Do Not Press This Dangerous Red Button it's very DANGEROUS This leads to the private bit of my site, it's where I go when Polly Pam's at the menders and is very private so that's why it sez 'DANGER', it ain't dangerous fer me it's only dangerous for you, just so it keeps it private you see.... do you like danger? do you touch paint when it says 'Wet Paint?' do you walk on the grass when it says 'Keep Of The Grass'? is this phenomenon just curiosity or stupidity? bet yah wanna press that juicy fat red button don't yah? well if you do don't say I didn't warn yah folk's hah, keep it real, Mick

Anyway I just have time from my hectic mission to answer a couple of your emails from some of our adoring fans:.

Richard Head from Cockermouth say's: Dear Mr Hunt don't you think you are to old to be a pop star?

Dear Dick I really must pull you on this one, what you need to remember is Beethoven wrote some of his finest works when he was in his eighties and it's a very long time before I get there, and while we are on this didn't he drive a Ludwig Van or something? I don't remember them myself as we always use six wheel Transits.

Recluse Gorden Brown says: I am really annoyed, how can you possibly compare yourself to Beethoven, are you mad?

Dear Gord, Sorry about this and thanks for pointing this out and I agree with your comment entirely, Beethoven was nowhere near as good as me even when he was eighty, However in his defense old Beety wrote some pretty good tunes, I like 'Symphony No. 3 in open D ,it really made that cat food advert shine don't you agree?, the answer to 'are you mad' is, yes I suffer from terminal madness..

Anyway I went over the road to my local shop today and when I put my basket on the counter the shopkeeper Jack says to me, "Hi Phil, do you want a bag", I replied: "No thanks Jack, It to me two years to get a divorce from the last fucker!!"..

 

Hey, I just got a fucking letter today from theTV, it says £148 to watch the telly!!!, they fuck right off, they will have to pay me a sight more than that to watch all that shite, fuck me I would sooner go outside and read the bus stop, I mean its all just presenters who you aint never heard of introducing guests who you have never heard of taking the piss out of more people you aint heard of and don't give a shit about, the only way they get famous is coz they are always on due to the endless fucking repeats, for instance, you got Channel 4, then they have Channel 4+ (Channel 4 plus 1 hour in case you missed it), what's next? how about Channel 4 minus so yah can watch it before you've seen it!!, Keith Moon had the right idea just throw the fuckers outa the window, I just threw mine out of the window today and its the worst thing I ever did and I've been really sad ever since, trouble is I live on the ground floor and my cat was lying in the the sun underneath the window, even worse I forgot to unplug the fucker, jeez, 10 kilos and 240 volts! the poor bastard must have lost all 9 lives in one go, still it's it's own fault told it to sit on the mat!

 

I just got email from someone called Dave, he thinks I am daft and was griping about my treatment of Shakeyspeare and Bakeoven, lemee tell you something DAVE, I don't give a flying fuck what you think of me, as far as I am concerned you can go fuck yourself, (preferably with the wide end of a tuba) and besides if you read as far as you did then you must be as daft as me anyway.

Oh and as to your remarks about my spelling lemme tell you this DAVE, the way I spell is the way I spell, you must have understood anyway to know it was spelt wrong in the first place you fucking tosser, here's some advise for you DAVE, Don't be a dick head ALL your life mate, have a day off!

Dave Dick

Mick's Keep Fit Hints

Here is my brand new section on how you can keep fit AND save money, first of all you should visit your local gym at least once a week, I do and loose at least 3lbs every visit!, I don't even do any exercises I just laugh at all the daft twats on them exersise machines, fuck me I was watching em the other day and there was this half wit PRETENDING to walk up electric stairs, fuck me the fat bastard was going nowhere fast, he must live in a fucking bungalow to be that desperate, here's my advice on this him, buy a house with loads of stairs, leave all your tools downstairs and do some work on the rooms upstairs, presto you get fit AND do the house up! what does my head in is they spend half an hour on these funny pretend stairs then they go to the office and use the ELEVATOR!! in my view we should install these stairs in all our elevators and have them wired up to generators, this way we can use the electricity we generate on the pretend stairs to power the elevator to take us upstairs, OMG I am a genius, how clever is that? yah can't learn it folks it's a gift.

Then there was this other half wit, not only was she PRETENDING to ride a bike but she was watching country scenery on a screen mounted on the handlebars!, again she was going nowhere, here's my drift on this one, GO OUT AND BUY A REAL PUSHBIKE FROM HALFORDS YAH DAFT COW, of they don't come with central heating on them like at the office but you do get actual 3D scenery fitted as standard it includes fresh air and it's a great excuse to cycle round to your 'bit on the sides' house for for a quick jump so you get some bonus exercise in the bargain, how cool is that?

Then there is all these strong men lifting up these weights which seem to serve no other purpose than being heavy, here's my advice on them, mail me and I will arrange it for you to come over to my place and move some furniture and tidy my fucking garden up if yer desperate to lift heavy things up, I'll even buy you a beer when you have finished!

Of course nobody will take my good advice and I will tell you why, because they don't really go to the gym cos they wanna keep fit or loose weight, they go there to be SEEN going to the gym, and so they can say, "Oh I've just got back from the gym I am sooooo knackered", they go to drink at the bar so they can add more calories than they subtracted pretending to keep fit, they go to show off the new BMW and the latest Nike trainers or new hairdo, yep I am right aren't I, anyway I suppose I cant argue that you do loose pounds at the gym, fucking right you do, thousands of em every year right outa your bank account.

 

.......Fuck The Duck.

......No 1: Mr Duck is at the Hilton Hotel reception preparing for a quacking weekend

  The Honeymoon

 

 

.......Fuck The Duck.

......No 2: Mr Duck is feeling reet fuckin sorry fer himself

 
 

More of Mike's fibulous hints, true stories, gripes, cartoons and other shite coming your way soon, in the meantime kop fer this:

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  All Mike Hunt's web site contents inc. concept, artwork and text by Phil Platt 2009/2014

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